Ever since I have been in school, I have felt that there are such great qualities in me that have been undervalued by my environment, school, teachers and society. A lot of things got asked from me that just wasn't my strong suit. And at the same time, things of my most beauty have been rejected.
Although I have always felt a sense of it being qualities, there has come so much self doubt and fear. It has even led to depression. I was so out of touch.. With me.
I remember as a child I was constantly asking questions. Constantly wondering. I asked questions about volcanoes, people, the universe, infinity and God. I also remember the questions wouldn't be so concrete and could make people feel uncomfortable. Often the question would not be well received by the environment. For example, I was asked to stop this ''Fire of questions'' and I remember my grandmother telling me that people who asked these kinds of questions would be very unhappy.
I now see that people themselves may have been afraid of the answer and wanted to protect me for it.
When I was diagnosed with ADD, people around me were in an uproar. I had to quickly learn skills and learn to deal with this better. People explained everything that I needed to change to manage life. Although the skills and structure certainly helped me to a certain extent, I have also always felt that people did not paint the whole picture. I felt very strongly that my greatest qualities were also hidden in this presented mountain of points for improvement.
For example, I felt a strong sensitivity, an ability to think abstractly, to see connections that not everyone saw and a sense of wonder with a certain non-verbal understanding.
Uncovering Inner Joy: My Transformative Experience at Plum Village
The past few months I have been fortunate enough to spend at Plum Village and this morning I experienced the joy to touch one of these core qualities within me. And I see now that my ADD is so very connected with my big sensitivity. Which is also beautiful!
During the walking meditation afterwards, I felt a sense of wonder coming up. The same non-verbal questioning of the world around me, from the radiating green tree, to the sensation in my foot.
With the next step I saw a scene flash before my eyes. I saw myself as a small child asking my father why grandma had to sleep during the day. And.. Why do babies have to sleep so much actually? There was no real satisfying answer to this question, but I mainly remember the profound, burning interest I felt.
Now, today, walking here step by step in PlumVillage, I saw this wondering is a form of looking deeply. Looking deeply into this breath, this step, this person next to me. I see that I haven't been looking for a reaction in any words. Even as a child!
I didn't want to understand the physics, chemistry or logic of it. I was inquiring deeply into Understanding the baby. In Knowing the baby. Just as I didn't want an explanation for the universe or God. I wanted to contemplate with one of my elders and gain insight, feel oneness and Love. I wanted to wonder.
Because of the energy of mindfulness that has been cultivating here in the last 3 months, I have refund my sense of wonder for life. I felt a connection with this questioning child in me and saw clearly how beautiful all my questioning and wondering really is! And even though some people will not completely agree with me, I connect this abstract wondering incredibly with my neurodivergence. A beautiful part of me, which has been rejected for a large part of my life. I feel such gratitude for the practice and the insight that it brings. I hope for all the lovely Neurodivergent people in this world they will be able to see and embrace these unique parts in themselves as well.
With lots of love,
Julius
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